Wednesday, November 29, 2006

This is an entry just for Rachel.

I love you! and I'll be home soon...

Saturday, November 11, 2006


Why can't I seem to avoid agruments? They're everywhere, no one gets along anymore. My boyfriend and I fight now, people on my floor never seem to stop fighting, I read the news and there's fighting constantly - from war to petty shit like a state football team fighting with an artist who painted a picture of them - and even on facebook (where everyone should be nice to each other because no one is forced to deal with anyone) every group I look at has someone arguing over something else with somebody. It's ridiculous. I'm sick of it.

And my betta fish is dying. He's losing color now.

Goddamnit. This is depressing.

Confessions of some sort.

Dear Sam,

I want to try an experiment; something I think you've tried before, but it has to be my choice for me to be able to accept it. I'm going to give us time apart. I won't call you for at least the next five days, five being the half-way point between now and when I get to see you. I considered waiting the entire ten, but I know I've had a hell of a time going two days without talking to you, so five will be an accomplishment and a starting point for me. If I can go five, then I can go ten. And when I can show myself that I can do it and be fine, I will no longer have to.

I am doing this for you just as much as I'm doing it for me. I denied it last night, but I do know that I'd be fine crying to you every night and letting you fix my problems for me. But I also know that you can't fix any of them, and even if you could, it's not hardly fair to make you try.

This in no way means that you can't call me. (I secretly hope that you will call me at least every couple days.) But I need you to want to talk to me and not call because I told you to. And if/when you want to get off the phone, don't let me keep you on, even if I'm crying. I will need to know that you love me, and if I'm doing better, I need you to encourage me and tell me that. Treat me like a small child if you must; that's about the level of my emotional stability at the moment anyway. I want you to be proud of me and think I'm a strong person again. You use to tell me those things, and those words have meant more to me in the past than you'll ever know. I want to be able to hear them again.

What I expect to accomplish here is some sort of balance. I know I can be strong when you need me, but you don't need me anymore. Knowing that upsets me quite a bit, because if you don't need me there's no reason for you to keep me around (unless I'm pretty enough to be your trophy girlfriend). I need to get to a point where I stop needing you enough for you to know that you can talk to me again. I need to be stable enough so that I can listen and you can trust me to listen well.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Victor Hugo

I just found out the other day that Victor Hugo not only was a writer, but also a painter! That amazed me, and now I love him even more. That's all I have to say; I wanted to share that with someone.

Victor Hugo
(verso) Lace impression, spectral form ca.1855
Pen and ink wash on blue paper

Victor Hugo
Town with tumbledown bridge, 1847
Ink wash on paper

Friday, November 03, 2006

testing 1 2 3

Just a test entry to see what it looks like and to have something here. I'm making a website to attach this to, so it maay be awhile before I get back to it.